All in Wicked Humour
by Arkosenn
Summary: After an encounter in a sake bar, Anko Mitarashi decides that taunting Neji Hyuga is going to be really entertaining, specially because, contrary to his forbidding exterior, he has a tremendous capacity to tolerate jokes, even ones at his own expense. She lets her gruff humour soothe his tormented soul. Sparks fly. Anko x Neji. All dandy except for Overprotective Hinata& Creepy Ko.


Neji quietly sipped his sake. He grimaced at the bitter taste. Why would someone spend their hard earned Ryo on a beverage as bitter as this? Even Hiashi secretly partook of it in his study, when he thought no one was watching, though he had forbidden sake within the main hyuga compound. Unfortunately for Hiashi, he had underestimated the range and focussing power of his nephew's Byakugan. He smirked at the thought: staid Hiashi Hyuga sipping alcohol, in his study, no less. If Hinata and Hanabi found out about this, they would go blue in the face laughing. He allowed himself a dry chuckle. His mirth lasted for a few moments until he remembered the date. His chuckle mellowed into a smile and finally evaporated. His face changed into the customary mask of Hyuga stoicism. It was almost ironic that he was promoted to a full Jounin ninja on the aniversary of his father's death/murder/sacrifice. Hizashi always told his son that he wanted to see him as a jounin ninja. It was Lee's 'youthful' idea to celebrate Neji's promotion by going to a sake bar. After just two saucer full of sake, the miniature green beast had staggered home drunkenly muttering something about a mission with Gai and Tenten in the morning. Neji also thought of getting up, but decided to finish the bottle they'd ordered.  
"Congratulations, Neji my boy! I heard from Shikaku that you've been promoted to Jounin. Well done, my boy, well done!", Boomed Gai Might thumping Neji hard on his back.  
"Ga... Gai sensei..." croaked Neji, coughing out sake and with sake running down his nostrils.  
"You make me proud, Neji.", said Gai in an indulgent tone, his gaze softening.  
Neji nodded mutely, overcome by a fit of coughing.  
"He would have been proud of you too, Neji. Never doubt that.", said Gai, his tone sobering up. Gai knew. He always had. Gai never questioned his absense in training or missions during this day of of the year. He always made an excuse to go check up on him at the Hyuga estate the next day.  
"Lee told me that he and you went to a sake bar to celebrate your promotion. Well, don't stay here too late. And go home as soon as you start getting tipsy.", said Gai with a forced smile as he left.  
A few drinks later...

Neji was feeling chuffed. He felt a pleasant buzz in his veins. The floor seemed to roll languidly under his feet. He didn't feel the biting December cold. If this was being drunk was all about, he didn't see why everyone had to fuss about it. Ofcourse, he wasn't drunk. He was just light headed. No sir, he was sure he was sober. Just a little unsteady on his feet. So he didn't try to get up from his booth at the back of the bar. He had just finished his second bottle.  
"Oss... ossan... might I have another bottle?", he slurred, his refined language sounding distorted in his drunken pronunciation.  
"Alright, Hyuga-san but this will the last one tonight. I have to close up shop.", said the bartender cum proprietor. He silently looked at Neji and continued, "By the looks of it, you seem to have had one bottle too many."  
A few more drinks later...

"Ay up, Satoshi! How about some of the good stuff?", said Anko Mitarashi sauntering into the watering hole. She had been away on a week long espionage mission and had been feeling randy for a drink.  
"Mitarashi-san, I can only serve you one bottle. I have to close up shop for tonight."  
"Hai, hai... and send up some dangos with that.", said Anko.  
She went to her usual booth at the back and saw that it was already occupied.  
The occupant was dozing off.  
"Say, Satoshi, you seem to have a customer... and he is sitting in my favourite spot.  
"Oh that's just Hyuga-san. He's just been promoted to jounin today. That's why he's celebrating.", said Satoshi, the bartender.  
"Uh huh.", said Anko noncomitally.  
Celebrating, is he? Well, he doesn't seem to be in much of a celebratory mood.  
She glanced at him again. Well,there was no mistaking it. Those half-lidded eyes were very much Hyuga. Even in the dimly lit bar, those ghostly white eyes seem to reflect an eerie pearl white glow.  
It was a bloke. So, she was sure it wasn't either of Hiashi's brats. So, it was probably the nephew. Yep, now that she took a closer look at him, she was certain that it was him. Long hair, slender build. What was his name, again? Negi, was it? No, that wasn't quite it.  
Well, well gaki, you seemed to have come a long way...  
She remembered her last encounter with him as she wolfed down her plate of dango.  
Chunin exam, second stage,three years ago.  
She had been explaining the objectives and rules of the Forest of death task and true to her sadistic self, she's been enjoying terrorising those uninitiated genins.  
She remembered the usually loud brash Kyubi-brat, who was as quiet as a mouse, avoided eye contact with her. The Inuzuka kid kept his trap shut and hushed at his dog in a scared hiss when it growled at her. The normally nonchalant Nara kid seemed to regard her warily. She smiled, satisfied. Ibiki would be proud of the effect she had on the brats.  
She remembered another boy who had caught her attention. The Hyuga clan's prodigy. She had heard a lot about him from the other jounins. Kakashi, Asuma and even the Hokage were certain that the boy was gifted. Her friends in the ANBU black-ops had told her that even Danzo had personally tried to persuade Hiashi into letting the boy be scouted by the Root. Gai, in between all his gushing about the Lee-kid, never failed to boast about his genius student's prowess as a ninja.  
The boy kept his arms crossed and didn't turn his gaze from her as her manic gaze lingered on him a mite longer than the other genins.  
He was skinny but his loose cotton tunic hid it well. He had long straight hair tied in a loose ponytail. He had a smooth unlined face and no facial hair, not even proper sideburns. With his slender frame and long hair, it was easy to think he could be a girl. She smirked at the memory of Izumo and Kotetsu jeering at his effeminite good looks and recieving a bruised eye each for their trouble. She knew just how to rattle the boy.  
She didn't say anything to him but when he came forward to collect his team's scroll, she held on tight to the scroll. He pulled at the scroll and raised one eyebrow in a withering expression.  
"Is something the matter?", he enquired softly with ice in his voice.  
"That's Mitarashi sensei to you, gaki", said Anko with disconcerting sweetness, grinning falsely at him.  
He pursed his lips in response.  
"I was just wondering what shampoo you use. You have such lovely long hair.", said Anko in the same sickly sweet voice.  
"What is that supposed to mean?", he retorted hotly, "Is this some underhanded attempt to shame me by questioning my masculinity? You should know,_ Mitarashi sensei_, I know better than to rise at childish baits like that.", he hissed with his teeth clenched.  
"My my. I seemed to have touched a nerve. I wasn't questioning your masculinity. You are no man; what you are, sweetheart, is a brat.", she said with an edge of steel creeping in her falsely sweet voice.  
The Hyuga boy stuttered in anger but wisely kept his mouth shut.  
"Here you go, gaki", she said handing him his team's scroll, "Try not to die."  
He took the scroll and turned away.  
"If these garbage genins are supposed to be my opponents, then you should worry about their safety and not mine.", he said with irritating confidence.

CRASH!  
She was jolted out of her flashback with the sound out the Hyuga-boy's head collapsing on the table.  
"Say, Satoshi , your customer seems to have drunk himself into a coma. Need some help hauling him outside?", offered Anko.  
"Thank you, Anko san.", Satoshi replied gratefully.  
Anko got up and approached his booth.  
"Rise and shine, sweetheart! Get up!" she said loudly.  
He didn't respond. He didn't even move. Just lay there.  
His face was obscured by his long mud-brown hair soaking up the spilled booze on the table.  
"You're going to have one hell of a bad hair day tomorrow, Hyuga-brat", she muttered to herself.  
"I am... no' a b-brat...Mitarashi... Mitarashi sensei. I have not been a brat... for a looong time" he slurred with his face still turned down.  
Anko nearly jumped out of her skin. Cripes! The Hyuga-boy was creepy, even by Anko's standards. Had she not been who she was, she would have gasped, instead she only flinched.  
Slowly he raised his face took at her. His face was the customary stoic Hyuga mask. The only indication that he was inebriated was his slightly flushed face and his half closed eyes. Those eyes. They seemed to emit a pale white glow, even in the dim lamplight. As usual, the shine in those Hyuga eyes was such that it blended with the colour of the Irises, obscuring the pupil. He seemed to regard her for a moment, then he opened his mouth to speak.  
CRASH!  
He collapsed before his mouth could form the words.  
Anko sighed and said in a jeering tone, "Come on luv, let's get you home before your mummy starts to worry about you."  
She noted, he flinched at the word, 'mummy'. Being a former member of the interogation squad, she immediately knew that there was a story behind his flinch. However, having grown up without parents, she wasn't cruel enough to continue about his mother.  
She decided, a more sincere approach was in order.  
"You! Get up!", she barked sharply.  
Neji immediately pulled himself straight and proceeded to stand up shakily.  
She smirked satisfied. It seemed his mind responed quickly to authority. He was a Hyuga afterall and Gai Maight's student to boot!  
"Do you know, who I am?", She said imitating Ibiki and narrowing her eyes and deepening her scowl.  
He nodded.  
"You reply in words when I speak to you! And your reply begins and ends with, 'Mitarashi senpai'!", she barked.  
"Please excuse... me, ...'Tarashi senpai", he said with some effort.  
"Now, you aren't a drinker, are you?", asked Anko  
"No, senpai... First time at... at a sake bar."  
"When was the last time you ate solid food?", she demanded.  
"Breakfast, before the promotion ceremony."  
"No wonder, you're pissed to the eyeballs. Here.", she offered him her last stick of dangos,"It'll help soak up the booze."  
"...", he looked at her, beyond confused, then slowly opened his mouth.  
"What?", said Anko perplexed, "Hell no! Uh-uh! What am I? A nursemaid? You'll have to eat on your own."  
He flinched much chastised. He placed a dango in his mouth, and his expressionless face broke into a wide smile.  
A few bites later.

"Thank you.", he said, somewhat sober.  
"I can see, you have a taste for good grub. Satoshi's sake is poison but he serves quality dangos.", Anko said conversationally.  
"Indeed, the dangos were great. It's a shame, it's all finished. Thank you, senpai.", he said smiling faintly.  
That's the fifth time he smiled today. And he's been politely chatting with me for the last few minutes. I guess the rumours were true... The brat had changed. There had been rumours that the Hiashi's nephew had made his peace with the Hyuga. When she'd asked Ko a few years ago if the rumours were true, he had smiled bemusedly and said, "Why, Anko-san, I never knew you were so interested in my young cousin. I spar with him from time to time. Maybe, you'd like an audience with him?"  
Anko smiled forcedly and said, feeling her ire rise,"Now now, Ko. You know it's nothing like that... I'm just curious. That's all."  
Ko scoffed and smirked in condescension.  
"Every female in the Hyuga district, be it seven year old or seventy, is 'curious' as to my young cousin's change of , even old man Teuchi's daughter asked me if I would bring Neji over when I go to Ichiraku's. I could even tell you about a decidedly matronly old bird who asked me if he is interested..."  
"Alright, already! I get it, sheesh! What are you? His personal secretary? You know what, forget I asked."  
Ko chuckled sadly and said, "Well, in case you had something like that in mind... Look, it's best if you forget about him. You know how it is in the Hyuga... We aren't allowed to have any sort of intimate relations with anyone outside the Hyuga clan. These kinds of affairs all end in tears and heartbreak.", he paused and continued on a lighter vein, "Besides, that boy has a dangerous sister complex. I've noticed his lingering glances towards lady Hinata. Ofcourse, this peice of news would make Lord Hiashi's day. That crafty old man has been plottng to get those two bethroted since they were genins."  
Anko smiled murderously, "Ko, I don't suppose you know how dangerously close you are to being murdered. Come on... What do you take me for? A pedophile? I don't have any interest of that sort in him. Anyway, what's wrong with you people? Those two are first cousins! Seriously, you damn clans and your effed up family trees."  
Anko stopped reminscing.  
"Well, feel like you can walk? Because, Satoshi here has to close up for the night.", she asked Neji.  
He nodded.  
Outside the bar.

"Thank you, senpai, for the dangos and uh...", he paused, colouring slightly in embarassment and clearing his throat, "... helping me out of my, *ahem* inebriation."  
"Anytime, Hyuga. Say, are you sure you'll be able to get home? The Hyuga district is awfully far from here. Come on, I'll escort you.", she asked with an evil smile, hoping to irritate him.  
Neji smiled, hesitating, "Thank you senpai, but I think I stumble home eventually."  
Anko smiled conspiratorily, "Why, Hyuga! Was that humour? Self-deprecating humour at that?"  
"Well, don't tell anyone about it... I do have my reputation to protect."  
Anko couldn't help herself, she started laughing. Neji joined her and chuckled.  
"Anyway, I had better get home... Good night senpai."  
Anko gave a jaunty wave, "Later, then."

At the Hyuga family compound

Neji staggered home. Mitarashi Anko. He had decided that she was a hot headed psychopath during their last encounter. He shuddered at the memory of her licking the blood off her Kunai after scratching Naruto's face with it. Contrary to what he let everyone believe, his heart nearly stopped in fear when she had directly looked at him, while explaining the Forest of Death task of the Chunin exam. Even the Uchiha bastard was trembling.  
When she had held on to his team's scroll, he felt another panic attack. He had replied saucily to her jibes and tried to indimidate her with Uncle Hiashi's death glare, crossing his arms to prevent them from trembling. She didn't even bat an eyelash. Most older ninjas, even the indomitable Guy sensei left him alone when he gave him that treatment. What was even more embarrassing was that after all his boasting to her before the forest of death task, he lost his fight to Naruto in the finals while being distracted with his grief at hurting lady Hinata and she was watching the whole thing. When he had been staggering back into the pavilion, she intentionally bumped her shoulders with him.

"Good fight, gaki, except you lost to that Kyubi brat."

He had been too tired and embarassed to reply.

Now, so many years later... He decided that she... well, whatever she was, she was certainly much more charitable than he had previously thought.

He walked past Takeshi and Kazuma. They grunted in acknowledgement. They were on gate-duty. He made his way through the courtyard and entered his quarters without removing his shinobi sandals. Without removing his Hitai-ate or even his Jounin-standard-issue flak jacket, he collapsed into his pallet and fell into a deep alcohol aided sleep.

Neji woke up blearily. He sensed a presence near him, much too close for comfort. He popped one eye open.

" 'Morning cousin.", chirped Hyuga Ko, grinning from ear to ear, standing at the head of his pallet, bending down and staring at him.

"Gaaaah!", Neji shouted and scooted away from Ko.

Ko let out a badly stiffled laugh.

"Can I help you, Ko?", Neji said irritably.

"No, but there's a fetching young woman in the courtyard, who's come to call on you. Maybe you can help her?"

Neji groaned.

"If this is another one of lord Hyuga's match-making schemes, then you can tell the girl that I am not interested."

"Considering that the 'girl' in question is Mitarashi Anko, I think it will be safer for both of us, if you go and find out what she has to say to you.", said Ko, smiling nonchalantly.

At the mention of her name Neji, jerked his head up, blanching.

Cripes! What was she doing here? Did he do something last night that he would be regretting now?

He jumped up and ran into his bathroom.

"Ko, please tell her that I will be joining her shortly."

Neji tore off his jounin-standard-issue-uniform and hitai-ate. He brushed and showered in record time. He pullled on a fresh set of Hyuga robes. He gave up brushing his dishevelled hair and simply tied it into a tight polytail. He ran out of his chambers and collided into Hinata who was making her way to his rooms. Being a kunoichi, she stumbled but didn't fall but Neji, hungover as he was, landed unceremoniously on his backside. He bit back a curse and stood up gingerly.

"Neji...", Hinata began.

"Terribly sorry, Hinata sama but I don't think I can spar with you today... I'll be sure to reschedule it later.", said Neji leaving her behind.

"Eh? Wait! Ne...", said Hinata but Neji had already disappeared around the porch.

Anko smiled when she saw Neji approaching her post haste. She had a wicked inspiration.

"Good morning sweetheart!", she said loudly, "Sleep well?" The other Hyuga stopped what they were doing and stared at her and then Neji.

Neji blanched and then blushed bright red.

He cleared his throat and said in his usual composed tone, "Anko senpai. Has the Hokage summoned me for a mission?"

"What? No comeback for that one? Jeez, you're no fun when you're sober.", said Anko with mock disappointment. She was having a hard time not guffawing at the Hyuga-boy's badly maintained look of aloofness; while his face and ears glowed in clashing shades of red.

"Anyway *ahem*, does the Hokage have a mission for me?", he repeated.

"Slow down luv... You don't have nearly the amount of experience to be dispatched on solo missions. I requested lady Hokagae to let me have you...", she paused to see his incredulous expression, "on my squad for an recon job over at the Hidden Cloud. I could use a pair of sharp Byakugan."

"Understood. You can depend on me, senpai.", he said with a milimetric nod of his head, "Just let me pick up my gear..."

"Take it easy, sweetheart. I don't need a hungover burden of a ninja who'll end up being a liability to me and himself."

Neji swallowed back an overconfident retort. She was right. He had a blinding headache and still hadn't shaken off sleep from his eyes.

"Which is why I suggest that you get some proper breakfast. I need you battle-ready in seven hours and since I'm going to grab some breakfast myself, I want you to join me", said Anko matter-of-factly.

"Senpai... there is no need... I shall break my fast with Ko...", said Neji.

"Again with Ko... What is it between you and him, eh? I came to check up on you and they took me to Ko, who said that he'd 'relay' whatever message I have for you. What are you two..."

Neji coloured but said in his usual emotionless tone, "It's not like that, senpai. We're just second cousins. We used to train together when I was a genin."

"Uh-huh.", Anko nodded, "Anyway, come on. Let's get you to Ichiraku's."

"Ramen? In the morning?", Neji said astonished. To a Hyuga, meals were a spartan affair. Nutrition and not palatability was what the Hyuga meals were all about. And austere hermits like Neji didn't enjoy ramen even as a snack, so the thought of ramen as breakfast was almost blasphemous.

"Yeah. Now come on, let's go."

Neji made a suffering expression, one he had involuntarily picked up after years of being forced into wierd situtaions by Gai. Are all jounins this wierd?

-x-

Neji wasn't fond of spicy food. Neji wasn't fond of ramen. Neji certainly wasn't fond of extra spicy tuesday-special ramen. He huffed and wiped his burning lips with a napkin for the upteenth time. Teuchi seemed oblivious to his discomfiture.

"Well, Hyuga-san? How about seconds?"

Oh no. Neji's entire oral cavity felt as if it was on fire. He couldn't manage an audible negative response.

"Teuchi-san...", Neji exhaled hard, wiping some spittle, "maybe..."

"What he's trying to say is, he'd love that.", said Anko with an evil smirk.

Neji turned to give Anko an incredulous look.

"Hey father, we've got a customer this early in the morning? I'll help...", Ayame rushed into the kitchen behind the counter hastily tying her apron. She froze when she noticed Neji.

Anko immediately stiffened and stopped herself from frowning. She wasn't fond of Ayame. The girl was sweet, nauseatingly sweet, in Anko's opinion. Ofcourse, her dislike of Teuchi's perfect daughter increased tenfold when she heard from Ko about her crush on the Hyuga sitting next to her.

"Neji-san! Wait, Let me get you some water.", she said noticing Neji's discomfort.

Both of Neji's hands seemed to be occupied in wiping his watering eyes and nose. Ayame leaned across the counter.

"Here, drink up.", she said holding the glass to his lips.

"Thank you", Neji croaked gratefully, his nose and cheeks flushed bright red from the spiciness. Ayame's face coloured for a much less noble reason.

Ayi caramba! Teuchi's daughter has certainly become bold, thought Anko to herself.

After much laboured breathing, Neji seemed to gain his composure.

"It's been a long time since you came here, Neji-san.", said Ayame conversationally.

"Hnn", Neji replied noncommitally.


End file.
